Dear Mama

Dear Mama,

I’m out on the porch today between thunderstorms. Smoking a couple of joints trying to erase this day from my memory. Why? Well, that’s an excellent question.

I found out today my ex-husband cheated on me. For the last six months we were together he was “talking” with someone else. How on earth do I handle that? Was I not good enough? Why wouldn’t he just talk to me? Is this why he refused to do couple’s therapy?

I feel all of this guilt and shame because I didn’t know. And I didn’t even find out until 3 years later. But god, does everything that happened make so much more sense now. Why he gave me the newer car. Why he didn’t fight me on the value of the house. Why he just rolled with it. Granted, I didn’t push back too hard. I didn’t feel anything from the time he told me until the following year. I was numb.

I’d made peace with how it ended, you know? He told me it was because of my mental health, but now finding this out? Like, which is true? Is it because he wanted me to be better all of a sudden or was it because he wanted to be with her? How could he do the same thing he had done to him? Like, what in the fuck?

I’m heartbroken, devastated, and livid. People need to learn how to be open and honest in a relationship. Don’t hide shit from me (unless it’s a good surprise, but I still won’t be happy about it). And sure as shit don’t make it so god damn obvious. The timelines don’t add up. They don’t match. He didn’t even try and hide the timeline from his friends. I’m just…yeah. I don’t know what to do.

And as I was writing this…I had a package delivered. It was a copy of your Out of a Dream album. It’s signed. I felt a little selfish buying it, but I wanted it. I already have the signed Heart to Heart album with your signature and with Susie’s. It says “Love Reba McEntire” and it’s those early signature days. From before the world realized you were a legend. And I opened it up so I could get it in the frame I hung the cover in (the vinyl itself is in a cardboard sleeve protected on my vinyl shelf) and I saw this little insert. Smaller than a 4×6 but bigger than a wallet size. And it’s a picture from your Sweet 16 album. And it’s a little birthday card.

I’m sure you sent hundreds of these out at one point. Maybe even thousands. But god, I needed it today. I really, really did. It was a full body sob. It felt like you had reached your arms out to catch me. So now, I’m sitting here, writing you this letter, and I’m crying happy tears now. Well, maybe not happy. But tears of being caught, seen, and loved.

It’s crazy how these little things pop up in life. I’m sitting here, struggling to breathe, waiting for my “emergency” therapy session to happen next week (on my off week because apparently I’m ‘doing so well and don’t need her every week’) and I feel like maybe I can make it through. Like maybe the world isn’t going to collapse around me today. And that’s all I can really ask for, right?

Love you Mama. I wish people would stop asking you about your wedding plans. Some people have no boundaries. And when you and Rex finally tie the knot, and you share it with the world, I’ll sit back and smile for you. But go be the best grandma! I know you’re going to spoil him rotten. Shelby is really, really lucky to have you as a mom. Per usual, a little jealous. But you’re not supposed to be my mom. You’re just supposed to be you.

All my love,

Elizabeth